Ways to increase your fitness doing a sedentary job

Some of us end up in sedentary office jobs that don't give us the exercise we need to maintain any level of fitness. I present to you a list of things you can do to help burn a few more calories at work.

• Send your print jobs to a printer on another floor or better still - another building if possible.
  
• Resist the urge to use the elevator. If you traverse many floors to get to your office, wean yourself off of the elevator a few floors at a time - elevator to 18th floor, stairs to 21st.
• If you use a motorized wheeled vehicle to get around the office, stop. No Segways or scooters allowed. (Handicapped people - have the IT or Engineering department modify the motorized wheelchair so that you can use arm and shoulder power to both propel yourself around and simultaneously recharge the battery!)
• When arguing with your peers, incorporate calisthenics into your rant. Not only will it burn calories, but it will intimidate the people you're arguing with.
• A large dose of fibre or laxative first thing in the morning is good for a few dashes to the lavatory.
• When hosting meetings, have everyone stand. It will help keep the meeting short and indicate to people what a hard-ass you are.
• When attending meetings, choose to stand. It will give off an air of superiority, like you're too important to settle in and stay for the duration.
• When you park, choose a parking spot as far away from the door as possible. This will also allow you to gather your thoughts before anyone bugs you with inane questions.
• If you have snacks at your desk, put them out before you go home. The cleaning staff will make sure you've got nothing left by morning.
• Never stay seated at your desk for more than 40 minutes at a time. Leave the area and go for a brisk walk around the department. Bring a clipboard. Your demeanour will have everyone convinced you're on the warpath and they'll leave you alone. Those that happen to visit you at your desk will not find you - again.
• Casual office sex may be risky, but it does burn a few calories. Use caution. Conference rooms may appear empty at the moment...
  
• When the people on weight loss programs start discussing the points system, break out the giant iced pecan cinnamon bun and take one bite as you walk away. Only one bite though. Then organize two stand up meetings to help burn off those calories.
• Turn the thermostat down at the office. Generating extra body heat to stay warm burns calories. There are some other benefits too. Such as keeping your glass of water cool longer. What did you think I was going to say? Gutter dwellers!
• On a slow day, send a mass email out offering free tickets to the hockey game this weekend, then spend the rest of the day avoiding anyone who you know might be interested.
• Casual office shoulder massages may be risky, but they could lead to casual office sex. (see above)