"You think you kin jus' roam in here like nobody's bidniz?"

Something that happened to me lately, embellished below for drama and (hopefully) humour.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

3rd party cell phone provider in US (which I will dub the anonymous nickname ROAMR): Hello. 

Me: Hi. Hey, so I checked your coverage map before purchasing a plan while I'm down here in Whitefish Montana. It looked good, so I can't figure out why I don't seem to be able to access the system. I get a 'no service' message on my phone.
ROAMR: Well, ain't that a kick in the head. You purchased a plan?
Me: Yes.
ROAMR: What kinda phone you be usin'?
Me: I be usin' an Apple iPhone 6 Plus.
ROAMR: Well, there's yer problem right there.
Me: Scuze me?
ROAMR: Yer city slicker fancy schmancy fruit phone don't work in these parts.
Me: My city sli...
ROAMR: Y'all think you can just come on down here with yer shiny new Yankee phone....
Me: Ummmm, I'm from Canada.
ROAMR: Y'all think you can just come on down here with yer shiny new red socialist phone....
Me: Ummm, it's not new, and it's gun metal grey.
ROAMR: Gun metal grey you say? Just a moment please.
[Muzak starts playing, featuring Ted Nugent]
ROAMR: So, ummm, the problem young feller is that your perticular model of fruit phone don't have the ability to connect at 700MHz, which is the only frequency we got here with our partner provider. By the way, this is a common cell band used in rural areas.
Me: Would an iPhone X work?
ROAMR: Just a god-darned second. Let's see. Yep. Yeah, the iPhone X would work. You got one of those?
Me: Not yet.
ROAMR: Then I suggest you either hightail it back to Cannabis, or wherever you came from, or maybe get a roamin' package from yer home provider.
Me: Fido.
ROAMR: I ain't no dog, son.
Me: No, my provider is named Fido.
ROAMR: Well, that dog just ain't gonna hunt, son.
Me: Tell me about it. $40 extra just for 50 minutes and 200MB of data in the US.
ROAMR: Well, that's what you git for bein' a socialist.